By Isabel Hicks

The term “social clock” was coined by social psychologist Bernice Neugarten in the 1960s. It is defined as the cultural timeline for social milestones. The social clock works as unspoken pressures that everyone faces which make people feel the need to accomplish certain social milestones by a certain age. These milestones for adults might include leaving home, getting married, having children, retiring, etc. In high school, one milestone that many students worry about is being in a relationship.

We internalize our culture’s social clock and use it to compare ourselves with others to measure where we stand in our “expected life cycle.” 

“Age norms and expectations operate as prods and brakes upon behavior, in some instances hastening an event and in others, delaying it,” Neugarten wrote in her seminal article published in The American Journal of Sociology. “Men and women are aware not only of the social clocks that operate in various areas of their lives but they are also aware of their own timing.”

This desire to fit in is an innate trait for human survival. We seek acceptance from the group because it ensures greater safety and security, but when faced with rejection we feel isolated and alone. 

According to psychologist Erik Erikson, who wrote about the psychosocial stages of development, those who fall in line with the social clock experience greater self-confidence and self-esteem. Following a social clock can give a sense of accomplishment or validation as well as security with the reassurance of being on the right track.

On the other hand, when the social clock timing isn’t hit, this deviation from the socially accepted path can lead to anxiety, shame, guilt, and feeling like a failure.

For teens, this becomes even more of a challenge due to social media, which exacerbates feelings of being behind. Teens are often bombarded with content depicting happy couples. Because social media fosters an environment of comparison, teens are more likely to self-criticize and feel as if they aren’t living life the right way. 

The teen community in particular places a lot of emphasis on the need for romantic relationships in order to achieve happiness. However, romantic relationships aren’t the one-size-fits-all key to happiness. People fail to realize that love can be found in many different areas of life, in oneself, in friendships, in family, etc, and can be equally if not more fulfilling. 

Often teens who lack romantic interactions feel the desire to engage in romance not for the sake of love, but rather to feel as though their lives measure up to that of the typical teenager. 

This issue also tends to be worse for LGBTQ+ teens, who are less likely to engage in romantic relationships in high school due to external and internalized homophobia. Teens in the LGBTQ+ community often compare themselves to the heteronormative social clock, which can be damaging to their mental health as a result when they don’t experience love at the same time others their age do. According to Kathryn Bond Stockton, a gender studies scholar, “The very ways we understand ‘growth’ are predicated on a legible and linear concept of maturation that many queer kids do not experience.”

At the end of the day, it’s important to realize that the social clock isn’t real. It’s a social construct we’ve created to make sense of our lives, but there is no right way to live or the right time to experience love. Everyone is on their own timeline, and each one is valid. 

For teens, specifically, it is important to decentralize the need for a romantic relationship in your life, and instead, open your mind to the love that exists around you in other areas of life. Happiness doesn’t come packaged in one person and life satisfaction can be found in no one other than yourself. Romantic relationships should always come as an addition to your life, not be seen as the key to happiness.